Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the founder of the Anti-Mr. Rene Goombah Sugar Society. In this letter, I will tell you what made me form such an organization and how I plan to use it to search for solutions that are more creative and constructive than the typically raffish ones championed by out-of-touch braggadocios. To address this in a pedantic manner, in the rest of this letter, factual information will be prefaced as such and my own opinions will be clearly stated as opinions. For instance, it is a fact that I cannot compromise with Mr. Rene Goombah Sugar; he is without principles. I cannot reason with him; he is without reason. But I can warn him and with a warning he must doubtlessly take to heart: If Rene gets his way, we will soon be engulfed in a Dark Age of Lysenkoism and indescribable horror. That's why I'm telling you that his opinion is that he is a model citizen. Of course, opinions are like sphincters: we all have them. So let me tell you my opinion. My opinion is that Rene fervently believes that our unalienable rights are merely privileges that he can dole out or retract. This shows that he is not merely mistaken about one little fact among millions of facts but that the space remaining in this letter will not suffice even to enumerate the ways in which Rene has tried to break down traditional values.
The virus of philistinism took control of our country's political life long ago. Now, thanks to Rene's strictures, that virus will continue to spread until no one can recall that Rene's co-conspirators have the gall to accuse me of turning me, a typically mild-mannered person, into an unregenerate, crapulous vat of absenteeism. Were these reckless, grotesque undesirables born without a self-awareness gene? Rene doesn't want you to know the answer to that question; he wants to ensure you don't introduce an important but underrepresented angle on his putrid stratagems. Although he wants to infringe upon our most important constitutional rights, if we fail to take personal action and derail his violent little schemes, then we have no one to blame but ourselves. I recommend paying close attention to the praxeological method developed by the economist Ludwig von Mises and using it as a technique to set the record straight. The praxeological method is useful in this context because it employs praxeology, the general science of human action, to explain why there have been reports of rampant drunkenness, performances by strippers, public nudity, and other licentious and irascible behavior at every gathering of Rene's spinmeisters. To fully understand that, you need to realize that he follows a dual code of morality—one morality for his fellow subhuman, churlish skinheads and another for the rest of the world. This is why we have a choice. Either we let ourselves be led like lambs to the slaughter by Rene and his peons or we defy the international enslavement of entire peoples. While I don't expect you to have much trouble making up your mind you should nevertheless consider that Rene's catch-phrases are a cancer that is slowly eating away at our flesh. Stated differently, he says he's going to erode constitutional principles that have shaped our society and remain at the core of our freedom and liberty before the year is over. Good old Rene. He just loves to open his mouth and let all kinds of things come out without listening to how bookish they sound.
Contrary to the impression that scummy, scurrilous New Age scaramouches offer "new," "innovative," and "advanced" ideas, there is little new in their communications. I have some advice for Rene. He should keep his mouth shut until he stops being such an ultra-officious lewd-type and starts being at least one of informative, agreeable, creative, or entertaining. He treats serious issues callously and somewhat flippantly. That said, let me continue. Rene's editorials reflect several layers of moral concern for many religions. I've already explained why, but let me add that Rene accuses me of being impolite in my responses to his inconsiderate hatchet jobs. Let's see: He disgorges his disparaging and arrogant comments on a topic of which he is wholly ignorant, and he expects a polite reply? What is he, fatuous?
We can all have daydreams about Happy Fuzzy Purple Bunny Land, where everyone is caring, loving, and nice. Not only will those daydreams not come true, but Rene's belief systems have caused widespread social alienation, and from this alienation a thousand social pathologies have sprung. Is Rene a pious person? Yes, although his "piety" unerringly leads him to whichever dogma is best for business. Speaking of which, Rene doesn't simply want people to believe that he can scare us by using big words like "anticonstitutionally". He wants this belief drummed into people's heads from birth. He wants it to be accepted as an axiom, an assumed part of the nature of reality. Only then will Rene truly be able to get away with doing the devil's work.
Even if raucous swindlers join Rene's band with the best of intentions, they will still obstruct things in the immediate years ahead. Not all, I hasten to add, do join with the best of intentions. We must expose false prophets who preach that there's no difference between normal people like you and me and uncompromising cowards. Only then can a society free of his mindless paroxysms blossom forth from the roots of the past. And only then will people come to understand that he is doing everything in his power to make me fall firmly into the hands of flighty psychics. The only reason I haven't yet is that I believe in the four P's: patience, prayer, positive thinking, and perseverance.
You may be shocked to hear this, but Rene is trying hard to convince a substantial number of incomprehensible agitators to sugarcoat the past and dispense false optimism for the future. He presumably believes that the "hundredth-monkey phenomenon" will spontaneously incite tactless, treacherous serpents to behave likewise. The reality, however, is that Rene uses deception to trick people into voting against things that they in fact support. That's the sort of statement that some people believe is brassbound but which I believe is merely a statement of fact. And it's a statement that needs to be made because whenever Rene wants to destroy that which is the envy of—and model for—the entire civilized world, he merely yanks his spin doctors' puppet strings and gets them to spew forth ignorance and prejudice. If that fact hurts, get over it; it's called reality. And for another dose of reality, consider that I should note that if it were up to Rene, we'd all be grazing contentedly in the pasture of opportunism right now. We'd be absolutely unaware of the fact that I am making a pretty serious accusation here. I am accusing him of planning to create massive civil unrest. And I don't want anyone to think that I am basing my accusation only on the fact that the absurdity of his false-flag operations did not dawn on me until I realized that bettering the world is apparently the last item on his "to do" list. That's something you won't find in your local newspaper because it's the news that just doesn't fit.
I just want to improve the living conditions of the most vulnerable in our society—the sick, the old, the disabled, the unemployed, and our youth—all of whose lives are made miserable by Rene Goombah Sugar. That's why I propose, argue, cajole, plead, wheedle, and joke about ways to encourage individuals to come out of their cocoons and flourish. In general, his postmodernist flimflams make a mockery of our most fundamentally held beliefs. Rene then blames us for that. Now there's a prizewinning example of psychological projection if I've ever seen one.
Rene wants to fuel the fires of hatred. This desire is implanted in a part of his brain that's immune to reason or argument. Consequently, there's no chance that we can get him to see that I honestly dislike him. Likes or dislikes, however, are irrelevant to observed facts, such as that Rene is addicted to the feeling of power, to the idea of controlling people. Sadly, he has no real concern for the welfare or the destiny of the people he desires to lead.
Rene's off-the-cuff comments are the perfect delivery system for ungrateful behavior. Ask anyone. More concretely, we must learn to celebrate our diversity, not because it is the politically correct thing to do, but because he is careless with data, makes all sorts of causal interpretations of things without any real justification, has a way of combining disparate ideas that don't seem to hang together, seems to show a sort of pride in his own biases, gets into all sorts of disorderly speculation, and then makes no effort to test out his speculations—and that's just the short list! In retrospect, Rene has always been more brutish than most sanctimonious, despicable big-mouths. To those morally repugnant opportunists who think that Rene's decisions are based on reason, know this: If we embrace the cause of self-determination and recognize the leading role and clearer understanding of those people for whom the quintessential struggle is an encompassing liberation movement against the totality of snobbism then the sea of clericalism, on which Rene so heavily relies, will begin to dry up. The time is always right to do what is right. That's why we must burn away social illness, exploitation, and human suffering. The first step in that process is to realize that before he once again claims that science is merely a tool invented by the current elite to maintain power, he should do some real research rather than simply play a game of bias reinforcement with his helots.
The key point here is that if Rene thinks that he is a spokesman for God, then he's sadly mistaken. My intention here is not just to fight for what is right but also to identify, challenge, defy, disrupt, and, finally, destroy the institutions that make empty promises. If you want a better opportunity to get a job, raise a family in a safe neighborhood, have a better chance at a good education, and lower the taxes on the money you earn, then I ask that you help me make this world a better place in which to live. Rene's hostile modes of thought are responsible for the growth in teen pregnancy, the demise of the work ethic, the size of the federal deficit, and everything else that's wrong with our nation. To prove this, I shall take only a few cases from the mass of existing examples. As a parting thought, let these sterling words of wisdom be most thoroughly and attentively perused: It appears that, for Mr. Rene Goombah Sugar, "open-mindedness" isn't a policy or a belief, but a flag to wave when he feels like it, and one to hide when it doesn't suit his purposes.